I can be terrifying.

I scare people.

Seriously, I do. It's an emotion that I try to illicit from innocent bystanders. I don't go out of my way to instill fear in people. I just do.

I'm not necessarily physically terrifying [at least I hope not.] I mean, I look like this:

[I'm the one in the big white dress.]

As terrifying as that may look, my sisters are both wearing about 2-3 inch heels. I, on the other hand, am wearing 4 inch heels.

I don't physically intimidate, but damn to I make people uncomfortable.

I spent the day today at a great symposium on Women in Leadership held here in Portland. It was a wonderful day filled with lots of 'how to kick ass and take names' speakers. For me, it was also a day that I totally realize why I scare the shit out of people.

This is really something that I've struggled with, so allow me to get out my thinking. I'm bearing a little bit of my soul here, so be gentle.

My top three reasons why I am terrifying:

Turning you to stone.

1. My body language is big.

Most of the time, when people ask me my height they are totally in awe that I am 5'3". While I am very conscious in not wearing clothes that overemphasize my stubby legs or t-rex arms, I use giant-sized body language. [Today in the symposium, this was described as 'using your hands in the passion plane.'] I'm conscious of making sure that when  am trying to get my point across that I 'look big.' I stretch out my baby arms, broaden my shoulders and talk really loud. Thus, I am a giant. Giants are terrifying.

This is the only picture I could find of me looking like I was giving instructions.
[Full disclosure, Teeny (the woman) and I had a wonderful relationship, in which I didn't scare her. ]

2. I know what I am good at, and I'm not afraid of telling people.

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm the foremost top opinion on anything. I wouldn't even say I am even close to being an expert. But there are certain things that I am good at--really good at. I know I'm good at them, and I will give my opinion. I also know what I am not good at--and I'll tell you that too. This is the most terrifying thing about me.

I hate that this makes people afraid of me. If you were to ask me what I believed my biggest character flaw was--it is this. I tend to intimidate some people to the point that they are so defensive that they cannot work with me or to the point that their new mission is to constantly compete with me. This is unhealthy for both of us, and I am working every day to foster an environment that invites people to work with me, not against me. I noticed this most in my past career and especially with my time at PLU. I feel like I alienated a lot of people by being a little too forward, move a little to fast, and possibly take some prisoners. I'm truly sorry to all my victims if I made you feel upset, but I'm not sorry for striving to be great at what I do.

Couldn't find a good picture for this one, so I used this one.
Cool shoes, right?

3. I can sense you competing with me, and it makes me want to shine brighter. 


This is probably another character flaw, but I thrive on competition [especially the friendly variety.] I love having competition. I love that you are great at something, and it inspires me to do better. I don't do it out of spite or of any ill will, I do it solely because I am trying to better myself.

This was really hard for me to realize today. Really hard. But I kept going back to this quote by Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love:

This is in the same passage as, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Shiver. 

When I read this, I don't know how to react. I don't like that I scare people, but I don't want to 'shrink' to avoid others' insecurities.

So, today, I am a powerful woman. I am good at some things, I am great at other things, and there are a lot of things that I am no good at. I am over-aware of my abilities and their limitations. I am competitive. I use big body language. And that is going to scare the shit out of some people.

And, at this point, I won't apologize for being intimidating. But, I will work on my methods. I will try my damnedest to make you feel that your opinion is valid and valued. I will be the best listener I can be, and become a better listener everyday. I will make sure that you know that you and your work are valuable to me. Because honestly? Us working together in tandem will achieve so much more.

Thanks for making it through this [very long] blog post. I did bear a lot of my soul here, and am a little vulnerable by communicating this to you--but now we have more understanding of each other than we had yesterday.

This blog has taken me through some big realizations, some little realizations and a whole lot of day-to-day fluff.

And, it's only April.